i n k d r o p s - no'mo.

a little bit of sun, a little bit of water, oxygen, and maybe fertilizer?

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 15:54:00 +0000

I need to grow up. ASAP. Seriously (my favorite word!). All this shit I'm feeling, I'm obsessing about, I'm being scared of or being emotional about, is all sooo high school. It's disgusting. Seriously.

Who the F cares, right? I'm gonna be okay. Stupid. It's stupid and disgusting. It's about time I shouldn't give a damn.

No bs. (Someone teach me how!) Enough already.

Fo'shizzle.

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 14:59:00 +0000

I can only speak for myself, I'm the type who often hesitates to go first--in anything. I like gestures driven by initiative. That's enough for me to gauge how much I matter or if I matter--at all. It's kind of selfish when you think about it, but to me NO. Because in exchange for that initiative, I give whatever I can times two or three or ten. My hesitation roots from fear. I'm afraid of knowing I don't have anything after all. Or I'm not anything after all. In friendship for example, knowing the latter would shatter me because if I am one, it's understood that I just need a little nudge, a little poke, hell just a soft flick and I'm in. Someone once asked me, "so you wouldn't even make an effort?" And I ~~answered~~ questioned, "but I thought friendship should be effortless?" But that's just an example *winks.

To cut it short, I am a very wary person. And very observant. I know where to place myself. To make up for it which I don't think will ever change any time soon, I am generous. And I mean it objectively (although not financially) but still.

Especially when everyone knows I never left, I'm just around. And some keep forgetting.

so ze countdown beginz

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 15:33:00 +0000

Owroyt. September! To tell you the truth, the whole month or so that I wasn't able to write anything here isn't much. Yes, I'm loving work, I love it to bits. And the people (some forbidden argh stop it!) too. Anyway. The whole month this month, I'm gonna be busier because because.

I went to mass today, the first time in 4 months. And after snooping around some people's online conversations, I read one line which to me is very true: "...pray with a heart so open that you don't pray for something specific" that you pray for His will and leave everything up to Him. And you know what, it works. I'm still waiting on that whatever it is that I'm waiting for.

It's around my time of the month again, argh damn it. My mood just won't let up. I'm irritable, I'm sensitive (I'm seriously having an emotional episode boo), I'm always hungry, I'm having breakouts. Come on. And yes, this is me being emotional. And I'm cold.

So then, I'm looking forward to new surprises and blessings though :) I just have that feeling (cue BEP). Let's do this! Let's go September! Let's go life! (and love, have life! hahaha)

i know there's a reason for everything

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 19:34:00 +0000

..I just won't know them all. So. The working life. It's pretty neat, couldn't complain (yet-wait til I become my sulky whiny self again hahaa lol). Just missing sleep for the most part, meaning I miss sleep. I used to be with it at least 9 hours a day--I know right. But wth, change is good. But you know, I feel like this isn't my bus stop yet. And I am kind of frustrated with myself because I know there's more out there. And I want more. It makes me really disheartened when I see other people get/reach it, and here I am -just here. Yet, I know there's that one day. Maybe there's actually that one glorious day.

Don't get me wrong, again, I'm not complaining. I am very thankful for such a good opportunity. I'm just curious, ambitious I guess. And as reasons go, where I am now (like where I am working) is making me really think hard, and figure out where my bus should go (yes bus, cos our trains only go straight). But the thing is, I know where, I just don't know how else. How else??? I'm scared it might pull me down and I barely began anything. Yikes.

But again, I'm loving this new part (boo PCD).

!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 05:22:00 +0000

Let's do this.

(aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!)

.

let's do this

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 14:44:00 +0000

I opened a new bank account this (floody) morning, and because it was raining insane, I just wore them khaki shorts, a blue shirt with robotic monkeys printed, rubber shoes and a hoody. Fortunately, not a lot bothered to come to the banks today. And then the woman asked me, "Ma'am, regular account po or Atm?" I said, "atm po.." and then she continued, "Ilang taon ka na?" I said, "21 po.." and then she goes, " ahh ay kala ko pwede ka pa sa junior savings namin.."

My point being, robotic monkeys are not the way to go when you want to establish authority. LOL. No, but this actually made me think. As some of you know, an establishment has already risked hiring me. For some out of this world reason, they decided they want me to be associated with their name hence, this kid shall start on Monday.

I am, above all thankful. And petrified. I do realize I am kind of still a kid at heart and I look at the world the same way a 5-year old does. If it's shiny, touch it. I'm just scared cos I feel like it's going to be freshman year all over again. I love how I know I'm going to learn so much from this. But I just don't know if... fine. All I can say is this, no matter what happens, I'm gonna get it done one way or another. Hand me the challenge. Let's do this.

/looks up

insobriety

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 01:50:00 +0000

I'm just thankful I'm part of this family. I mean it's pretty elusive, pretty esoteric. It's really cool. They're all really really cool. I don't get to see them as often as I want to (*lonely little girl stigma* again) but whenever we do, it's always great. I love how intelligent and witty and funny they are. I love them.

And not to mention, I love them so much more when they're all tipsy and noisy. Haha.

Like Closa for example, the other night, when everyone else went home, I continued rambling about my stupid fear of getting lost or whatever. Before I got picked up by my friend, she gave me two strong lines, backed up by alcohol in her system:

"You can't be wondering what's happening with your life if you're not doing anything about it," and "Next thing you have to do [is figure out] what is your execution going to be with this one. I just don't want you to go through a phase that's harder than this."

I mean come on. Sometimes you have to wonder, is alcohol like, a mineral drink to Closa? I almost cried when she flung out those words on me, because she was dead serious and I was feeling the weight of this little issue I'm currently battling with. Thanks Clos.

These women, including (let's disguise her by the name) Ash, I've know them since my first day in college, and they were all there until I became an officer, until I made my thesis, my graduation, until I went elsewhere. Although they rarely give me advise which would not call on the attention of police authorities or syndicates (haha), I really admire them for going after what they really want. I admire them for being where they are, for who they are. The things I learn when I'm with them. Endless. One day, I want to be just like them. I wish. But that's like, a loooong way to go. I hope I can catch up. Yikes.

i just said it

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:20:00 +0000

I said I am sensitive, and really, I meant it. Damn. If I had a choice, I wouldn't want to be like this. I just.. I just hate being left out, you know? Or wait-- I wouldn't understand why, but I can accept it. What I hate is the feeling after I find I was left out, or the implication of it. Yea yea, it speaks immensely of my incredible insecurity and 'constant need of assurance' problem, but like I said, it's part of who I am, it's natural for me to be that way. It sucks. Especially if it's in my face, outright. Might as well say you don't want to be friends at all, and then I couldn't care less. I really really wouldn't. So. Wot's it then?

Anyway, jeeze those people. One word: Civility.

s i d e n o t e s

~But yea, another blessing the other day. This time I'm totally fulfilling my promise. I'm really thankful I can go about my life now without fear or anything.. Aaaaah I'm just elated.

~I was watching Conan the other day and I can't believe Alanis Morissette is actually hella dumb. Srsly. And she was incredibly dull as a guest. I'm sorry fans, I'm not hating, I'm just telling the awful truth. In the beginning of the show, Conan even jokingly warned the audience it was going to be a dumb show, in the act of simply deprecating himself. Sadly, haha it did become such a dumb episode now I feel bad for the producers and the live audience (they didn't deserve that) and feel irritation toward all his guests.

So it goes like this, first guest was Howie Mendel, who in all his airtime talked about nothing but how he finds women stupid because of how we shop. Like, wtf right??? And also some other perverted things which disgusted me. AAAAAAAAny waaaaaay. So Alanis. Conan goes, "so I know you've been traveling a lot, unlike me who has to stay in one place most of the time, and you've been to so many places. I heard you've been to the Philippines, I've never been there, could you tell us about your visit to the Philippines?" (at this point I was actually excited, we got mentioned on the Tonight Show as a decent topic) And then Alanis goes..." Well yes, it was fun. I remember I was in Jakarta in a hotel..." and she goes on about a monkey in Jakarta, Philippines apparently. Stupid!!! Gosh, I swear. I mean come on. And from the non-verbal cues of Conan (a magna cum laude of Harvard) that by lack of choice, he just went along with it and didn't bother correcting her out of respect to not embarrass and point out her mistake. Sheesh, for a renouned writer, Alanis, you should read more I think.

Haha just wanted to share that. Thoughts?

trying here

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 13:33:00 +0000

There are moments when strength is the ultimate company. Actually, in every moment, it is. Well, in almost every moment. Yet sometimes we forget that being or attempting to be strong is not without effort, not without faith. The effort has to come from something, faith too. But right now, for all the world to see, I don't think I have it in me to be strong no more..at least for now. Does that mean I put out no effort? Does that mean my faith withered?

I'd like to believe no, and no. I believe we are strong, but we are not strong all the time. My faith remains, my hope is still crawling, I'm just too tired to be strong right now. For some reason, I just can't anymore and it scares me so much.

There, I said it. I need direction, I need clarity. I need protection. I need affection. I need eyes that do not judge. I need a hug.

---EDIT: Well maybe there isn't any other way but to remain strong. Labo.

not again.

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:22:00 +0000

Um um um.

"[After years of trying hard to stand each other, or after some time with your "friends"] You're at the age where who you really are begins to solidify and establish itself, who you are now is who you're going to be from this day on. And you end up drifting apart from who you used to be with constantly because you find out eventually you don't like them after all."

The writer who wrote that line from the show I heard it from is totally wicked. True, huh?

Anyway. I better write this down already, on the false pretense that it's going to help me deal with it a lot easier. I hardly slept on some nights replaying it figuring out every single second. So. I think I did something hideously stupid not too long ago to this person which I believe freaked him out! This is what happens when I f*cking put my guard down and decide to begin to thaw myself and put stupidself out there. Oh my. On my innocent defense, as in honestly, I just really expressed my appreciation. Btw, for the record it was nothing carnal okaaaay. Let's just get it out of the way. So. And it's freaking me out that (I think) it's freaked him out! Totally embarrassing. Ew I hurl every time I remember. Aaaah seriously. I hope, I pray to God that by some form of miracle, he talks to me again.

*Shrieking
*Squealing

P.S. Oh, if I ever die, I would please like the song "She's Got A Way" by Billy Joel to be played. (I'm serious)

if all else fail.. i'm just sayin'

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 16:18:00 +0000

So I've been kind of 3/4-heartedly trying to squeeze myself in the so-called "professional world" already. You know, the amateur way -- lurking on head hunting sites and peeping through their horrific nooks and crannies just to see if I can get a shot. In a day, I probably send out my beautiful (ahem ahem) resume to at least 5-10 companies (but only when I'm in the mood to bury myself alive in front of my computer for hours). And in those 10 companies, lucky if I even get one call back (sometimes I don't even like the company or the position, I just tried it maybe out of whim). And then, most of the time it gets terrifying to open my mail because a)there might be the confirmation of the "perfect" job or b)I might not have any new messages at all. But sometimes, it's also fun to see messages of other companies who took interest in my qualifications inspite of everything else...like this one, take note of the 4th message I got, from the top:

So, like, at least I have other options, you know?

*click to enlarge*

a moment of silence (or not)

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 01:14:00 +0000

Rediscovery. This is what I realized I have been doing in the last...8 months or so? Something like that. But I haven't been paying much attention to myself lately. I also realized that. I mean, in my purest sense, I believe I wasn't able to do so. Because of my failure to listen to my silent screams or uptight hesitations, I became more care--free or less (in this case they mean the same to me). There was a point where I lost most of who I was for simply being too willing for most parts. Well, some of you know my stories, and maybe God just really cared for me so much that he never made you abandon me. Most of you stood by, maybe found my choices a bit difficult to understand, but not one moment existed where I wasn't able to laugh to smile when creatures like you surround me.

It's kind of refreshing to see a few long entries once in a while, yes? Anyway, so yeah I guess it was mission accomplished after all--like when I finished school last October, I remember I said I'm not ready to work just yet, and I'll probably take time off to rest or to have fun or to find some answers what not. I thought I wasted the months I took, bumming (although not entirely) around and going out, and dating, and vacationing and doing the family business that instead I could have just found a job and had myself at least an 8-month worth of savings. But now, I'm glad I didn't. I love the fact that I'm getting a better, more forgiving sense of myself.

For instance, just now I woke up, went downstairs and looked for the mum. Vicky said she went out to get something fixed. I realized I will really always be mommy's little girl no matter what. I just don't like the feeling of waking up and then she's not there. Like how I would always cry in the 90s every morning when I wake up and she went to the office already. That said, unwilling as I am to admit, I am a sensitive person. I can be very emotional at times, over thinking things and I don't like it, but I can't help it. Like how one song--one little line can turn my mood around completely. Or how one unassuming smile can make my day. I am very vulnerable, and I find it excruciatingly difficult to be such with another person. I know, your general psychology notes must come handy at this time. Maybe I am just used to being the little one for most people, the youngest, the babygirl as I have been all my life in my family and for most of my circles.

So what was my point? Oh. So I think, knowing little bits of stuff like this will make it easier for me to not break during this really scary transition period I am going through. I realized, frickin' cliche as it is, listening to yourself can actually save you from self-destruction or getting hit by bus. Yesterday, I had this interview and the woman asked me something about what learning I am taking with me after so much experiences. My answer surprised me as well as it was the only thing I could think of: Acceptance. And I told her, "knowing that you are capable of (the act of) acceptance can make a big difference with how you see things now and how you plan the next steps you would take after finally learning to accept something you have been struggling with." And then the credits rolled. Haha whatever. Don't mind this thing.

back.

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 14:35:00 +0000

freakout time.

need job, money, people who love me around, lose weight, job money, inspiration.

need drive.

heeelp.

i'm back, and i wanna leave again right at this moment.

but i'm on quarantine. psh.

maybe it's because..

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 17:49:00 +0000

Okay I'm gonna try to post more photos (either here or in my other portals), or try to shoot some more and post it. I just lost the habit of taking photos lately for reasons I could not explain. I just recently realized the value of keeping visuals of memories or of events especially when it's with people I love being with. I need a name for my new-last February-camera. Maybe that's the reason why I haven't been too attached with it (unlike my old cam which is with mom already)---I don't have anything to call it so I don't feel too close to it. Hahaha. I'm not crazy, I know it's a thing not human, but still aren't gadgets sometimes better than some human beings? True, yeah? I think so.

So. More photos (hopefully).

Any name ideas? (Should be a real name)

And on with my photo projects ;)

untitled

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 20:04:00 +0000

Went cherry picking this weekend. And went to Reno (no ~~money~~ time for Vegas) to visit my aunt and her family. Reno, is a small town, sustained by casinos and buffets. Ugh I'm never eating at a buffet ever again. Dang. That's what we did all weekend, gamble (well, I just tried, a the slot machine --- lost $10. Ten fricking dollars.) And eat. But good fun. But I loved cherry picking. and loved cherries! so cute :) Oh going home next week na. Yay!

acceptance

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Thu, 28 May 2009 15:43:00 +0000

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning. Now I'm here to stay, love can be so boring. Nothing's quite the same now, I just say your name now.. But it's not so bad..You're only the best I ever had. You don't want me back, you're just the best I ever had. So you stole my world, now I'm just a phony. Remembering the boy leaves me down and lonely. Send it in a letter, make yourself feel better. But it's not so bad, you're only the best I ever had. You don't need me back--you're just the best I ever had. And it may take some time to patch me up inside, but I can't take it so I run away and hide. And I may find in time that you were always right, you're always right.. So you sailed away into a grey sky morning. Now I'm here to stay, love can be so boring.

What was it you wanted? Could it be I'm haunted?

(Best I Ever Had - Vertical Horizon)

the stanford experience

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Sun, 17 May 2009 05:42:00 +0000

It was cold but what the heck, it got warmer than the Philippines when it was my turn! Why did they have to ask too much questions? Are they my panelist? Haha. It was fantastic, and I can safely say I delivered. Wuhoo! Thanks Closie for the huge help! Thank you God, thank you guys for your encouragements ;)

pr104

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Thu, 14 May 2009 01:40:00 +0000

Okay, here we go. Leaving tonight at 1030PM. All set, packed up (like you wouldn't believe LOL) and ready for this trip. This one where surprisingly, I'm not quite sure about anything really. It's gonna be long trip, a long journey and blargh. I'm nervous for Saturday (Sunday here) but what the heck, I'm ready.

I'm hoping that things will turn out better than I expect them to. I'm excited and nervous, and anxious all at once. But hey, am I not most of the time? See, I can never have too much soul searching. No such thing! This time, it's just me. Omg! Flying alone! (and lonely?) haha. Wtf.

I guess I'll see you around, pray for me, and I'll be crossing my fingers that this'd be a blast.

Let's do this. Peace.

bs

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Sat, 02 May 2009 17:09:00 +0000

A lot of annoyingly irritating people right nooooow. Omg. Idiots. Psshhhh aaaaaargh.

in a nutshell

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 09:09:00 +0000

It's a little rough these days I gotta say. I've been better, but I may have been worse too. Family is not doing so good, a separation always hurts someone, and it's never easy for everyone involved. It's safe to say I guess, that I should be a better daughter and a sister--the least and best I can do. You know how I always say, it sucks when you can't do anything to help someone with her/his problems. Well, it does suck. I wish I can take some of the pain they're feeling, or all of the pain I suppose, I sit well with misery after all. I mean, better that I feel it instead of them cos now, I feel twice the grief.

Also, today I found that I'd be presenting our thesis to a university in the U.S. alone, as my other group mate was denied on her Visa application (the other one couldn't go at all since). It is heartbreaking, not that I can't do it alone--I can (I think), but it will be easier and happier if I had someone to share the experience with--especially the very people I went to heaven and hell with for 2 years because of it. So. S.U., here I come =/

And then, an international school called me up this afternoon for a teaching demo tomorrow. I may have to cancel my application since I won't make it for the opening of this school year. Useless if I get hired (hahaha assuming that they will find me worth hiring). Anyway, I was asked to prepare a 20-minute demo on topic: Age of Reason. Wot?!!! Okay when I heard that, I swear I forgot to breathe. Hahaha. Damn, feels like all that I took in school isn't in what's left of the grey matter in my head anymore (yes grey matter, just the membrane over the brain, cos yknow, I'm not even sure if I do still have a thing called 'bahrain' or is it a country? LOL). I will have to look for other opportunities when I get back though so, there's some hope.

Aaaack. Bah. Tsk. I hope things here at home will get better.

willing it toward me

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 04:10:00 +0000

This is an awesome line, coming from the wall climbing queen (A). I love it.

So. Alright, you know how sometimes, going with the flow is the best thing on earth? Well, right now, it kinda gets a little old. To me at least. But, because I am willing it toward me, my 'GWTF' days shall soon diminish by about over 50%. I have now a plan, unstable, erratic but I've got it.

So in a few weeks I'll be going to the U.S. for some academic, and yes, personal reasons. This is where I'm expecting that clarity any moment from now. I'm pacing myself, cos some people trust me enough that I can do what I'm supposed to do over there and at least not suck at it..after all, I could always play the 'passing out' skit.

And then, after that, I'm heading over to see someone I haven't seen in a really really long time. Well, lately we've been talking and keepin in touch again. It's just, there's a certain familiarity that comes with our (used to be estranged) relationship and now, it seems as though it was never gone--just well, um, stored elsewhere I think. It is definite that after that, it will again take years for us to see each other or be together again since he's doing things over there and I'm all the way back here. He even bought me the plane ticket just so it would push through..where I'll be staying is about 8 hours from his place by land, and 4 hours by plane. Different counties. I didn't expect he'd do that, actually I wasn't expecting anything. It's kinda weird, a good kind of weird though. I stopped him when he offered to fly over to where I am and just get a hotel while there--I mean, I'm not one to pass on really good offers but you know, I'm not that heartless either..It's actually an unnecessary feat plus with their economy going bonkers and all..it's not such a good idea. So a visit to his base is good enough, I'm hoping I could see a lot of cool stuff too like launchpads, crash planes or whatev. So there.

/fingers crossed

And then of course, when reality hits me back, I'll be on my way home in a month or so. That's when the ~~master~~ wait, the one above is the master plan, so.. again. When I get home, that's when my plan ~~will~~ should follow suit: Job hunting. And then, hopefully, I'll be on the right track again.

And I am so willing it toward me. There is after all, this thing called, the "Self-fulfilling Prophecy."

/evil laugh

Bwahahahaha...a.a.a.ahh..ah.ahh..

anyway.

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 16:19:00 +0000

Countdown begins. Go!

Clarity.
Clarity.
Clarity.
Clarity.
Clarity.
Sensibility.
Direction.

Come to me!

crap.

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 15:50:00 +0000

-click image if interested (or to enlarge whatev.)-

But I was doing so good. ~~I don't even want to blog this, but I don't know who else to tell it to. Seriously, it's so pathetic. Really? I mean..come on.~~

finally

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:41:00 +0000

Four and a half years in the making. Whew! Soaked in our own filth, this is me and Gabie after the graduation rites. Damn, those togas are hell. Literally!

This is for my mom, for everything you did for me and our family. You deserve all the love in this world. I owe you who I am.

Congrats to my (semi) batchmates, my thesisloves and my psych barkada. Let's go!

---EDIT: I just found out thru our department chair that our thesis, "Extraversion, Life Satisfaction, and Gender as Predictors of Situational Humor Response Among Filipino Young Adults" (phew!) was accepted in the annual Stanford University Undergraduate Psychology Conference in California, USA. We would be presenting along with few of my fellow psych classmates, whose papers were also considered. Omg! I know this isn't a big deal but..still! Only 85 researches got in all over the world. This is such a wonderful reward after all that bs and hardwork and i-almost-broke-down-and-gave-up moments during the whole process. Weee :)

My buds/groupmates Gabie & Kat along with our Research Panel :)
After our terrifying defense in December 19, 2008.

"signs"(with the quotation marks, yes.)

noreply@blogger.com (Jd) — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 00:57:00 +0000

Shot by Closa 2009

I guess that beach trip helped me out somehow. Although I wasn't able to think much about some other things except how dark I got, and what I should eat next, at least it cleared my head a little. I was able to leave the stuff I needed to think about while I was there. And the people I was with certainly made it a lot easier.

Aside: My trip to Puerto Galera is so far one of the best yet. Because the 3 people I was with were so much fun to be with and I mean ridiculously fun. They pose no pressure on you with what we should do next (except when people are hungry, then that's a different story--we eat, or someone dies.) They don't really care what other people think, but care with other people do with their camera phones, and cameras (duh.) In short, I anticipate more trips with them in the future, more trips with these bunch of crazies.

Moving on with the signs. Remember, when I was done with all my academic units last October, I really didn't feel like working yet. I mean, I needed a break from all the chaos of (pseudo-)intellectual thinking etc. And plus, everyone told me to take a break for at least a few months before I even start thinking about job hunting. And so I did. I did all sorts of things, I went to all these places. One of the most recent and unforgettable ones would be my Singapore trip (I know, I can't seem to get past it..because!) But, here goes my point. When I came back from Singapore, I was able to figure out that that particular trip may actually be a "sign."I loved the place so much that I actually wanted to live there. Hence, living there meant working there. I immediately began searching for job openings there (along with other companies outside SNG). That was the first sign I thought I needed to heed. I discovered I wanted to go out and be in other places other than here. I needed to earn money to do that. The sign that I needed to work.

But of course, being the lousy me, the drive died down after a few attempts at nothing and a million resumes sent out. (Another reason why I never want to be in any HR field despite it being the closest career I could get hired for..) But after 2 weeks, I got a message from one of the international companies of the country, I was in for an interview. Of course, this was an offer I couldn't refuse so I went. I thought, damn, with all the training and experience I had, piece of cake, right? Poor me. Of course, I didn't get in. They were apparently looking for something other than what I had. It was a stab right on my chest. I thought I was about to go into depression just because. That was a harsh one. Another sign. A harsh sign at that. I probably wasn't fit for a job like that. So to hell with them.

I forgot to mention that a few days before I sent out all my resumes (it was Ash Wednesday), I went to church with my mother and brother. I did pray for an opportunity. That was all I asked. An opportunity. And after a few days, there was that interview. I mean, how great can He be? I prayed and he answered immediately. I mean, sure I didn't get in but that was my problem, but he provided me with an opportunity and it was probably up to me to decide what to do next. And what came next is still lingering with me now, my latest dilemma. After that dreaded experience, after a few days, again (what's the rush, right?) I got 2 offers. Both out of the country. One is for a position as a writer in a new middle eastern hair beauty magazine. The other, as an assistant to a company which provides school supplies in Asia. I still have to check with the second position as to what their final offer is, but with the first one, I got their offer and I should say, it's fair enough.

I'm at an incredible loss right now, actually. I mean, I don't know if I'm ready to leave all the people I love here behind, I don't know if I can stand by my decision once I make it. Both job offers don't actually fit my educational background (at some point). I'd like to think I still have so much things I want to do before I really take the leap into the world of money ~~laundering~~ making. Which is why, I want to go back to the beach and just swim this all away. Maybe the sea snake that almost bit me will get a thrill of it, yeah?

Wow, can't believe I finally got around writing a longer entry. Hahaha. Sooooo.